TalesFrom.com

Murphey's Law of Carpet Cleaning

2008-04-04T20:29:16Z

The store I work in recently sent all the employees home earlier than normal so that the carpets could be professionally cleaned. The very next day, a little boy started puking on the end of the store opposite the exit. I guess the mother was trying to get the kid out of the store before he threw up all over where she was, but whatever the reason, she carried the boy all the way through the store and out the door. The kid barfed the entire way, creating a trail across the store. We decided to save the store manager an aneurism and not tell her.

Spence from California

Buying porn

2008-04-03T00:40:52Z

I know a woman who works at a bookstore. She says that guys come in all the time and buy porn, or playboy, or magazines like that, and they do that with their girlfriend next to them. They usually put the magazines at the bottom of a stack of other magazines about computers, or business, or something else. As if no one will notice if they're at the bottom? My friend often holds up the hidden magazines and pretends to search for the bar code and/or price with lots of “it's hard to find the price on these, where is it?” The boyfriend will begin to shift uncomfortably back and forth.

What the #$%& is that drink?

2008-03-28T15:49:24Z

I used to work in a coffee house, and this customer came in. She told me that she had this one drink at this place and she didn't remember what it was. That should have been a red flag. I asked her if the drink was hot and she said no. So, I asked her if the drink had ice in it and she said no. I then asked her if the drink was blended and she said no.

There's no other way to have a drink!

Eventually, I found out the drink was hot.

submitted by Pat from Ohio

Sticker Irony

2008-03-28T15:46:50Z

I was driving on the freeway and this chick in an old minivan was slamming the pedal to the metal, swerving in to lanes and making people honk their horns. She cut off the person next to me and nearly came in to my lane. As she zoomed ahead of me, I noticed her bumper sticker said something like “make peace”.

Kinda ironic, huh?

submitted by Danielle from California

My car doesn't have points!

2008-03-28T15:45:34Z

So, I really don't know anything about cars. Or I didn't. I do now.

I bought an old Volkswagen Beetle and I've had to learn! I was trying to adjust the points (two pieces of metal and a spring) in my bug's engine. I pulled the distributor cap off and couldn't find the points. I looked at pictures in my books that showed the distributor and the points right underneath the cap. I tried turning the engine over with a wrench, which supposedly allowed me to see the points move. Nothing moved. I unscrewed this box with wires that said “compu” on it that I thought was the condenser or something and I took the rest of the distributor apart. No points.

I was fed up and I put the distributor back together and drove to a friends house. Turns out I have electronic ignition, no points, and that box was my computer timing device. Oops! Knowing that would have saved me a 2 hours!

submitted by James from California

Communication

2008-01-12T00:54:53Z

Going through a divorce gave me a second language. It was a language my mother would have described as one only a sailor would know.
Previously, my two boys had never even heard me utter the sh*t word.
Driving in the truck one day with my boys, I was the victim of a disrespectful driver. I had experienced several years of being disrespected and the turbulent emotions within me erupted in a string of words I hadn’t even realized I knew. I could hear my youngest son asking my oldest, "what did Mom just say, WHAT did Mom just say?"
It was like the bursting of a dam. I began freely practicing my new skill including gestures that came to me effortlessly as if I had been using them all my life. As if some innate knowledge had come to the surface in a time of great need. ( a miracle!)
Now, going through a divorce also meant I had to change my shopping habits. Since I had gone back to work, I had to shop later in the day and since my income was cut severely, I had to shop in somewhat scarier neighborhoods.
Undaunted, I continued to roll down my window and let people know when their rude behavior had displeased me until one day after one of these moments of sharing, my son told me that he did not want to die.
He said that I needed to just stop, or at least to stop sharing my feelings with strangers when he was in the car. ( He may have used a different phrase or two but that was what he meant.) He asked me to take a look at the guy I had just spoken with. I did and I admit he didn’t look all that respectable and could possibly have had a small arsenal hidden under his baggy clothing and tattoos. So I decided I would try to change my ways.

Not long after, we went to Wishing Well. I chose not to go to the downtown location, but to go to one in a better neighborhood. We went in the middle of a bright sunny day instead of going at night. I parked right up front near the entrance.
When we came out of the store, there was a young man standing near my truck Peeing on the front tire!
I shouted, "Hey, what are you doing?" He turned around and muttered, Uh, oh, sorry, while stuffing himself back in his pants.
I was outraged and was yelling questions such as "why didn’t you use the bushes!?", ( there was an area with shrubs right next to my parking space ) "Why my truck?" At this point, one of the two friends with him pulled his sweatshirt up over his face and the other convulsed into laughter down to the pavement.
Mindful of the boys with me and the promise I had made, I was desperately searching for words, other than the four letter variety, to use. I came up with, "You have no couth!!"
The young man’s face went blank, then he asked in a very sincere and puzzled way, "What is couth?"

submitted by Natalie from California

Elvis Costello has a Tantrum

2007-12-14T00:06:15Z

A guy I knew went to see Elvis Costello back when he was first starting. He had spent months saving his money and finally he was in the theatre where Elvis Costello himself was to rock. The lights began to gently fall as the crowd roared wildly. Elvis Costello in all his pseudo-fifties glory enters. He walks to the center, his mighty axe in hand. He slams into the song. A string breaks. The music dies.

Elvis Costello turns away from the mic and shouts at someone offstage. Then he storms off. The crowd murmurs as the stage sits empty for minutes. The manager comes out and walks to the mic. He then apologizes because Mr. Costello will not be performing that night and he thanks everyone for coming.

submitted by: anonymous

Adult Fabric

2007-12-12T23:24:16Z

The other day I had a woman come in to the store. That isn’t strange but the first thing she said to me was “[do you have any hoodies without an empire waist] cuz they make my boobs look huge” (gestures with cupped hands).

As a male about 20 years younger than the woman I found this awkward but I slid by the comment and referred her to a selection of hoodies similar to the one she wanted.

She told me that she didn’t want fleece, but waffle knit or thermal hoodies. I told her that we didn’t have those without the tie around the middle, and showed her a different fleece hoody that was more like a t-shirt. She passionately and loudly proclaims that she is an adult and can’t wear clothes like that. The woman stormed off.

So, the next time you take your fleece out from the closet, consider your age. Are you too mature for that? Perhaps you should where something that looks like long underwear instead. That waffle-knit is much more mature. After all, the clothes don’t make the man, but they define his maturity.

submitted by: anonymous

Now That's Sassy

2007-12-08T22:31:22Z

I work with kids and the other day, this 6 year old turned to a little girl and said, “Can you please not speak to me in that way because I don’t like sassy children.”

submitted by: anonymous

Booger on His Back

2007-12-01T16:14:06Z

My job as a traveling massage therapist gets interesting! I see the inside of people's homes (some I would rather not). You wouldn't believe some how people live...

One day I got an online appointment request from a Waldorf school teacher. He was an older gentleman. The parents in his classroom had given him one of my gift certificates. When I arrived, he instantly gave me the creeps because he watched my every move from his doorstep - as I unloaded my massage table and other gear. But I knew I could kick his ass if needed.

Getting ready for the massage, he asked if he should strip down nude for me. I said, "That's not necessary...I'll leave the room while you get on the table." I'm pretty used to those requests after 7 years of this. He stripped down to his tighty-whiteys in front of me anyway. This is NOT a sight for early in the morning! I repeat...DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME!

Already feeling grossed out, I began the massage. First stop: the client's back. Everything's going OK for a few minutes.

THEN IT HAPPENED. My forearm rolled over something. It was a foreign object on his back! What could it be? On the backstroke, my arm rolled over it again. Closer inspection revealed...yes...A BOOGER! Instant need to hurl, then run screaming from the room.

How did it get there? Please email me if you know! The bigger question: What to do? I needed to flick it off, but was so disgusted I couldn't think of touching it. If I flicked it, the booger would have to clear my massage sheets and several feet around the table so I wouldn't step in it. It needed to be a very powerful flick! And how do you work a powerful flick into your massage routine?

After several minutes of vomitous debate I decided to "just do it." I positioned my thumb and forefinger and called up every 3rd grade paper football flick I could remember from Serrano Elementary School. SUCCESS! The booger took flight, briefly glistening in the morning sun, then landed on an old plaid chair about 6 feet away.

Safe now, I finished the massage but kept my eyes peeled for other foreign objects. And I never packed up my table & gear so fast as I did that day. Got the heck outa Dodge.

People laugh when they hear this story - they think it's not true. But it is! Our friends Stuart and Shane said that I shouldn't have flicked it off, because who knows? It could have been his "lucky" booger, stored there every day for personal success.

submitted by: Bonnie from California

I Never Want Dimes

2007-11-30T05:56:00Z

I was working the register, and a man came up buying books. Everything was going along like a normal day, until I realized that I had no quarters in my till. The coinage I owed the man was fifty cents so I gave him 5 dimes.

The man became outraged! He literally shouted, "what's this? Dimes!?". I explained the coin shortage and the man roared that he didn't want dimes! I needed to call a manager to bring quarters so I told him I would do that.

"What?! No!" The man vehemently expressed that he didn't want to wait. He slammed his books on the counter and proclaimed that he would return them rather than take the dimes.

Only a manager can perform a "return" transaction, so I told the man that he would have to wait for me to call a manager either way.

I imagine that, if a hurricane were tackled, pinned, and stuffed into an airplane vodka bottle, it would bare a striking resemblence to this man.

He waited, fuming, as I served the next customer in line. The manager finally came. She carefully removed the quarters and counted them despite my urging. The man snatched his quarters and returned the foul dimes before storming out the doors.

submitted by: Natalie from California

Immortality

2007-11-23T18:49:26Z

Working the night shift at Borders Books doesn’t sound exciting, but sometimes it is, especially in the café.

There was one night when this guy who looked like he was from the Whole Earth Festival came into the café. (Whole Earth is best described through it’s participants) Let’s just say I didn’t know anyone still wore bear pelts.

This is Burning Man, but the look is
similar to Whole Earth

Anyhoo, I was stocking the condiment bar when our be-dreadlocked fellow entered. He was mumbling to himself constantly. As I refilled the lids and straws, he proceeded to remove half of the sugar packets from their compartment. He took the bottom half and poured the sugar into an empty 32 oz paper coke cup. He then put all of the sugar packets he had removed back. During this bizarre event, I increasingly felt as though he was mumbling at me. Eventually, I was certain he had mumbled something at me. I indicated that I hadn’t heard and he asked, just a little louder, “Stuart, are you immortal?”

My name tag showed my name so that was disconcerting for a moment; I must admit though, I had never been asked something that strange by someone that strange who was standing that awkwardly close to me.

“I don’t know,” I quipped stepping aside and putting the space bubble back between us, “but I never really wanted to test that.”

The mumbling fellow nodded his scruffy self and mumbled “Yes, yes, of course, that makes sense” sort of noises. He said “good bye, Stuart the immortal” and left with his cup of sugar.

submitted by: Stuart from California

Clapping Can Kill

2007-11-16T23:22:21Z

At one particular U2 concert, Bono had just finished a moving song and was about to talk about saving kids in Africa that are dying of AIDS. They die in the hundreds of thousands every day. He began to clap his hands in the boundless silence of the stadium. Finally, he said into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child dies.” A fan shouted into the silent abyss of air, “Then why don’t you f%$#ing stop!”

submitted by: anonymous

The One-In-Five Cappuccino

2007-11-10T01:39:43Z

This guy walks in to a Barnes and Nobles café. He asks the “barista” for a cappuccino in a ceramic “for here” type mug. The café sellers inform the guy that B&N Café does not have ceramic mugs.

“Well, what about those?” the invasive customer asks, gesturing towards the tiny single and double shot espresso cups.

The purpose of the 1.5 oz - 2.5 oz is explained to the customer (espresso only, they’re too small for anything else). The client then asks, and then demands that his cappuccino be poured out into several of the little cups.

He received about 5 little cups. He came back again for the same thing.

submitted by: anonymous

What is on that shirt??

2007-11-08T00:24:06Z

Looking for a gift can be difficult, so it’s good to remember the ol’ standbys:

Money
Gift card for food
Gift card for the whole mall
“I was thinking of you” greeting card
Picture frames
Candles
Alcohol

And of course

Band shirts with a gift receipt

I was looking for the latter when I encountered a t-shirt I couldn’t read. It was black and the design on it was a swirl of shapes filled with different patterns in greens and yellows. One of the sellers at the store walked by in a hurry so I quickly asked if she knew what band the shirt was for.

She said “yes”

I waited a second and asked if she could tell me the band name and she said “yes”.

I was confused as to why the seller wasn’t telling me what band was on the shirt so I asked again and when I got “Yes” I realized my mistake.

The negative space/positive space thing made me not recognize the one word band name. “Yes”

Negative space and positive space in action

submitted by: anonymous